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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked.
"Yes," he replied "how do you work this thing?"
"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.
"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?"

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.
"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."
"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.
The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."
The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."
The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"
The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively - "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

embarrassed A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

Vocabulary bank

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

quarrel-1 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Vocabulary bank

Some race horses are boasting about race records staying in a stable.
One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!"

translation

brideiconcr8 A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain…"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Vocabulary bank

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife sat in the passenger seat and his mother-in-law sat in the back seat.
The women just won't leave the poor guy alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay to the left!"
After several more orders from both of them the man shouts angrily at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"

Three wishes

dgin A civil servant (that's someone who works for the government) was sat in his office feeling bored, as he had nothing to do. So he decided to tidy the cupboards in the office.
After ten minutes he found an old oil lamp. He rubbed it to clean it a little and out came a genie from the lamp.
The genie said, "Thank you, Master. Because you have freed me from the lamp I will grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?"
The civil servant immediately said, "I want a big glass of beer."
WHOOSH
A big glass of beer appeared in front of the man. He picked it up and started to drink.
The genie asked, "What is your second wish?"
The civil servant said, "I want to be on a beautiful desert island surrounded by lots of beautiful women."
WHOOSH
The man was suddenly on a beautiful desert island, with lots of beautiful women around him. He was delighted.
The genie then asked, "And what would you like for your third and final wish, Master?"
The man said, "I never want to have to work again."
WHOOSH
The man was suddenly sat at his desk, back in his office.

The Italian Tomato Garden

An Old Italian man lived alone in the New Jersey countryside. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

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The Italian Tomato Garden